Walter Clemmons of the Piedmont Wildlife Association says the instances of deer trespassing on military bases have quadrupled over the last decade.
“Last year, a deer made its way onto a Seymour Johnson landing strip,” Clemmons said. “The deer collided with a jet just as it was about to take off. The pilot was OK, but the plane and the deer were totaled.”
The Seymour Johnson incident is just one of dozens, according to information obtained from the State Department. A recently declassified memo stated that back in a December a deer found its way into a Cobra helicopter at Cherry Point. Apparently, the helicopter door was left ajar, and a deer that was seeking shelter crawled in and laid down in the back.
The flight crew didn’t discover the deer until they were flying several thousand feet over the White Oak River in Swansboro. Once the deer realized what was going on, it reportedly kicked and bit everyone in the helicopter with extreme prejudice, all the while voiding its bowels in an explosive yet impressive manner.
“I was out on the river that morning with my grandson,” said Jack Dawson of Kinston. “When he saw that deer fall out of the sky into the river, he was really confused. I told him it was a reindeer that Santa had caught stealing toys. I also told him chocolate milk comes from brown cows, and that the crowd that collects stray cats turns them into Vienna sausage.”
The declassified memo states a plan to allow unmanned drones to shoot any deer located within two miles of any military base. Although portions of the memo have been blacked out, the remaining text seems to indicate the drones will be spraying doe scent from the sky in an attempt to draw bucks into clear view.
Although it may seem pleasant enough, the thought of a flying robot firing deer urine upon the earth doesn’t sit well with everyone. Groups such as PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and HARP (Humans Against Raining Pee) believe this is just another example of the government sticking it’s nose where it doesn’t belong.
“Being an avid hunter, I never thought PETA and I would be on the same side of an argument,” said Dewey Crowe of Snow Hill. “Those little bottles of deer scent I buy every year are expensive; I can’t compete with Optimus Prime spewing out gallons of the stuff from the sky. This economy is so bad that even with a degree I can’t get a job that pays more than $11 an hour, but the government has enough money to fill Robbie the Robot with deer urine and let him water the entire tri-county area like it was the 12th hole at Augusta?”
During her 2008 vice presidential campaign, former gubernatorial babe Sarah Palin received much criticism from Obama supporters for shooting bears from a helicopter in Alaska. Asked why her detractors seem to have no problem with unmanned drones doing essentially the same thing to deer, Palin’s answer evoked the ghosts of William F. Buckley and George Will.
“Geez, ya know using drones to kill deer is very un-American,” Palin said. “The deer should be killed with a Chinese-made SKS rifle by a person flying in a helicopter that was made in Canada.”
Operation Rain Deer is scheduled to begin Oct. 27.
Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase books, music and Commodore Vic 20 computers at jondawson.com.
