A local gym has been accused of discrimination — and the accuser is an Olympic medal winner.
“Between endorsements and speaking engagements, I’ve done well over the years,” said Matt Splitz, 63. “My wife and I recently moved to the area, so I figured the best way to meet people was to get a part-time job at a local gym.”
Splitz says he responded to a help wanted ad posted by Dumbbell’s Gym of Piles Boulevard in Kinston.
“According to the ad, the gym management was looking for a part-time trainer with a sports background,” Splitz said. “If having won eight gold medals and one bronze in the 1972 Olympics for swimming wasn’t enough, I also worked as a personal assistant/bong loader for Michael Phelps in 2008 and 2012.”
While most Olympians tend to stay in shape after their glory years, Splitz decided he loved pancakes more than squat thrusts.
“I had the most sadistic swim coach on the planet,” Splitz said as he held out a mirror to see if he was wearing pants. “If I even looked at a bowl of ice cream he’d make me swim an extra five laps. I swore that if I ever got out of the swim game I’d eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.”
And eat Matt Splitz has. As of this writing — from a raw tonnage perspective — Splitz is hovering around the 515-pound mark.
“I figure anyone coming into Dumbbell’s looking for a trainer would rather be led by someone who identifies with their struggle,” Splitz said. “Being a tad on the heavy side myself, I’d rather work out with someone who’s put a few railroad cars of cookies away in his day. Those skinny little trainers with their perfect abs, shaved backs and clipped nails don’t know what it’s like to be rolled back into the ocean by a bunch of meddling do-gooders when you’re just trying to soak up some sun.”
“SOME sun? That dude could soak it all up and have room for the moon and a few rings of Saturn too,” said Richard Little, manager of Dumbbell’s Gym. “If Matt Splitz does so much as a jumping jack in here, we’ll have a new fault line within the hour.”
Little said he initially thought he was being set up for a prank when Splitz applied for the job.
“I just knew I was on one of those hidden camera shows,” Little said. “I kept looking to see if Ryan Seacrest was hiding under Splitz’s shirt.”
While researching Kinston, Splitz heard stories of college graduates being turned away from potential employers because having a degree meant they’d want to be paid a living wage. He says he never thought his weight would keep him from getting a job.
“Not only did they not give me the job, they wouldn’t even let me in the building,” Splitz said. “That smarmy manager said he was afraid one of the moons that was orbiting me might damage their building.”
Splitz said American society is constructed to keep people overweight.
“From an early age, we’re told to get an education so we can get a good job,” Splitz said. “Once we get that job, the ones of us who are lucky enough not to be laid off will get slammed with work, thus only giving us a few minutes for meals. What’s the solution? Just look to the hundreds of fast food commercials we’re inundated with on a weekly basis.
“After we’ve ballooned up to the point someone is tying a rope to our ankles outside a Macy’s on Thanksgiving, they shoot a few gym commercials our way.”
When asked who “they” were, Splitz was vague in his response.
“I heard it on a radio talk show,” Splitz said. “The Bilderberg’s and Kanye West are tied up in it somehow.”
Nowhere in the Dumbbell’s employee handbook is an employee’s weight, girth, circumference or ability to clap their hands mentioned. When presented with this information, the Dumbbell’s corporate office deferred comment to their attorneys, who in turn issued the following statement:
“No comment.”
Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase books, music and Jay Leno’s conscience at jondawson.com.