Need a hair cut and a hot meal but only have time for one? A Kinston entrepreneur thinks he has the answer to your problem.
On May 9, local restaurateur Hines Ward will launch his latest venture, “Pasta Cuts.” The restaurant/barbershop will be located at the old Kinstonian lot at the intersection of U.S. 258 and U.S. 70.
“When I was a kid, my father used to go the barbershop and relax,” Ward said. “He’d shoot the breeze with his buddies, get caught up on the latest jokes and then get a nice haircut and shave. Nowadays, everybody’s so busy with a smartphone or an STD they’re lucky if they get to wet their toothbrush a couple of times per week.”
Ward says customers will be able to enjoy a fine Italian meal while receiving a haircut from graduates of the nation’s top accredited barber colleges.
“Our current roster boasts three graduates from Dayton Barber College, two from Diamond’s of Fort Worth, and one from Evergreen Beauty College of Greater Humptulips, Wash.,” Ward said. “As for the menu, opening day specials will be angel hair pasta, cream of mustache soup and keratin dumplings with peidra sauce. If you’d like a shave, just ask for the flavor saver with clams.”
In addition to being able to get a haircut while chowing down on a luscious lasagna lunch, Ward says manicure and pedicure services will be offered as well.
“What’s the point of getting a nice haircut if your nails are going to look like corn chips?” Ward asked. “Our licensed nail techs are armed with everything from emery boards to claw hammers. Our lead pedicurist is the woman who tamed Russel Brand’s out of control nail problem.”
Lead pedicurist Jerri Sparks concurred.
“Mr. Brand neglected his toenails for so long,” Sparks said. “People were shocked that he’d walk around New York City barefoot, but the truth of the matter is his toenails had grown out and curved under his feet. It was like he’d grown his own pair of sandals. When he walked on a hard-wood floor it sounded like he was wearing baseball cleats. I covered those disgusting feet with bacon grease and submerged them in a bucket filled with tiny fish. After about seven hours, the nails were trimmed and most of the fish were dead.”
Asked if he thought potential customers might be put off by the thought of stray hairs or toenails landing in their food, Ward turned to science for his response.
“There is plenty of protein in human nails and hair,” Ward said. “We’re still in the test marketing stage, but you can expect to see cholesterol-free baked nail clipping croutons on our salad bar within the year. As for the hair, I hope people aren’t under the illusion the dark stuff in restaurant pepper shakers is actually pepper.
“And while we’re on the subject, Vitalis doesn’t have half the calories of most Italian salad dressings.”
Ward’s previous venture — Lefty’s Restaurant — initially attracted much attention but fizzled out after only six months in operation.
“The idea to let morning commuters sell us their leftovers and then resell them to the public was ahead of it’s time,” Ward said. “A few dozen people find cigarette ashes in their Sloppy Joes and all of a sudden the Health Department thinks they can boss you around.”
Ward says any customers with weak immune systems are advised to purchase amoxicillan or ciprofloxacin tablets from vending machines in the Pasta Cuts lobby prior to mealtime.
Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase books, music and Reuben Studdard memorabilia at jondawson.com.