Over the past few weeks, car thieves have been running amok all over Lenoir County. Cash rewards have been offered for information that could lead to an arrest, and a local security company has decided to launch a radical new vehicle security system.
“In many of these instances, the thieves are stealing items from unlocked cars,” said Billy St. Cyr, President of Revival Security Systems. “It’s never a good idea to leave vehicle doors unlocked, but some people believe it’s better to let thieves take what they want without having to bust out a window.”
Cyr says his company is fully equipped to install standard vehicle alarm systems if that’s what the customer desires, but he and his staff believe they’ve come up with something that will trump all car alarm systems currently on the market: snakes.
“According to our research, 72 percent of adults are afraid of snakes,” Cyr said. “Of the remaining 28 percent, we believe at least 50 percent are lying.”
With Cyr’s “Snakurity” system, a member of his staff will place a snake in your vehicle every night at 9 p.m.
“The snake will be in a bank deposit bag,” Cyr said. “The deposit bag can be placed in any number of areas: the center console, the passenger seat or beside the vehicle’s GPS unit.”
Although the Snakurity system is relatively new, the one market it’s been tested in yielded promising results.
“We tried this out in Cleveland last summer and had great success,” said Revival Security Assistant Manager Graham Yost. “In one instance, a guy broke into a car and thrust upwards from the snake with such force that he hit his head on the roof. The guy —ironically a card-carrying member of PETA — was knocked out cold. The snake was polite enough to wait until the thief woke up to bite him.”
Cyr believes the Snakurity System will be a success in Eastern North Carolina, but he stresses the need for communication between his firm and the client.
“One of our staffers will pick the snake up every morning at 6 a.m.,” Cyr said. “If you decide to get into work early to get a jump start on the day or steal office supplies, you need to tell us you’ll be leaving before 6.
“Revival Security Systems is not libel for any broken limbs, soiled garments, curse words accidentally screamed within earshot of small children, heart attacks or injuries caused from running into trees, brick walls or oncoming traffic.”
Cyr would not comment on allegations that the Snakurity System was faulty. One Snakurity client told The Free Press the system has adversely affected his ability to earn a living.
“I make a little extra money on the weekends as a magician at kid’s birthday parties,” said Harry Goaz of Snow Hill. “One Saturday morning, I headed out for a gig in Dover. The guy from Revival Security pulled a drunk the night before and forgot to pick up the snake, which resulted in the thing biting my schoinkel several dozen times.”
After several weeks of rehabilitation, Goaz was able to go back to work. As he tells it, his employers have been patient during his ongoing recovery.
“During the week, I’m an accountant,” Goaz said. “Whenever I see a drop cord out of the corner of my eye, I’ll mistake it for a snake and I’m ruined for the rest of the day. Just this morning while preparing a report, I tried to capitalize an 8.
“As for my magician job, for the last two weeks I’ve been pulling hats out of the rabbit. I’m in a mess.”
Cyr said neither he nor his staff could comment on any ongoing litigation.
Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase books, music and snakeskin draws at jondawson.com.