After nearly six years on the job, a veteran Free Press reporter is resigning under a cloud of allegations and bandages.
“I really hate to see David go — especially under these circumstances,” said Free Press Managing Editor Bryan Hanks. “It’s a shame he let his schnoinkel cloud his shapat. The way he mingled with that goy was just not kosher.”
According to several of his coworkers, Anderson’s troubles began when he was introduced to Free Press Concierge Paulette Burroughs in 2007.
“She throws herself at every young guy that walks through the door,” said former Free Press reporter Chris Lavender. “Usually after a few months, Paulette will get bored and move on to her next paramour. If you ignore her advances she’ll stop throwing herself at you and start throwing staplers, phone books and printers.”
Anderson and Burroughs allegedly began seeing each other socially in the summer of 2010.
“They coordinated their vacation days and followed the Molly Hatchet tour for two weeks that year,” said former Free Press reporter Vanessa Clarke Shortley. “I think David was impressed when the band dedicated ‘Flirtin with Disaster’ to Paulette every night.”
Shortley — who is now running a successful furniture-sitting business in Orange County — says it was only a matter of time before the Anderson/Burroughs romance went awry.
“David is a mild-mannered, introspective kind of guy, while Paulette is more of a ‘kill ‘em all and let God sort ‘em out’ kinda gal,” Shortley said. “She never asked for my lunch money; I just surrendered it to her every day as a precautionary measure.”
Burroughs' celebrity skyrocketed to the realm of E-Listers when she appeared on the cover of my 2012 book “Making Gravy in Public.” Talent scouts started booking the rising star at county fairs, federal prisons and boat shows.
By the end of the year, Burroughs was commanding double-digit appearance fees. Her highest profile gig came when Rick Ross cast her as “Shorty Washing Car No. 4” in the video for his song “Stay Schemin’.”
Sadly, Burroughs’ scene was cut because guest artist Drake felt her dancing was “too erotic for a rap video.”
Burroughs didn’t realize her scene had been cut until its simultaneous MTV and BET debut. This perceived slight sent her into a tailspin that friends and family say she’s yet to pull out of.
“Mama crashes by design, that’s for sure,” said Burroughs’ daughter, Kelly. “Her driving is fine; it’s the parking her vehicle in the middle of U.S. 70 at 7:50 a.m. on a Monday that’s a problem.”
“Look, The Fuzz told me I had to stop puttin’ mustard on my biscuit while I was driving and Tweetin’ about Kimya’s baby, so I put the car in park,” Burroughs said. “It’s like Otis sang, ‘I can’t do what 10 people tell me to do.’ ”
Incident reports obtained from the La Grange Police Department indicated Burroughs routinely assaulted Anderson whenever her beloved Tar Heels lost a basketball game during the 2012-13 season. He is currently recuperating at an undisclosed location in the greater Kinston area.
With his speech encumbered by a series of facial bandages and stitches, Anderson has to choose his words carefully these days.
“They lost four of their starting five,” said Anderson through a flag semaphore interpreter. “Whenever people start blaming it on Roy, it gets her blood boiling. For some reason when she’s been drinking, she thinks I look like Mike Krzyzewski.
“Let’s just say my ability to duck a Chinese throwing star isn’t nearly as strong as her ability to throw a Chinese throwing star.”
Instead of pressing charges, Anderson has decided to take a job with the Baltimore Sun. Along with covering local politics and education, Anderson will also be in charge of explaining the complicated plot line of “The Wire” to confused tourists.
We’ll miss you David. If you see Gee or Bolander up there in Baltimore, tell them we said, “Howdy.”
Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase Jon’s book “Making Gravy in Public” at The Free Press office or jondawson.com.