Right off the bat, let’s get one thing straight: I’m a UNC basketball fan.
At a young age, I watched Michael Jordan, James Worthy and Sam Perkins do their stuff in Carmichael Auditorium. I’ve sent Roy Williams a loaf of Amish Friendship Bread for Christmas every year since 2006. I’ve joined militant vegetarians who eat nothing but Hardee’s hamburgers for months on end because UNC radio legend Woody Durham said it was the official sandwich of the UNC Tar Heels.
My love for Tar Heel basketball is not, however, unconditional.
This mess P.J. Hairston finds himself in (or not in) is a bit disturbing. According to various media outlets, Hairston was arrested at at a license checkpoint on June 5 while driving a GMC Yukon that was rented to someone by the name of “Fats” Thomas. At the time, Hairston didn’t have a driver’s license in his possession, although he later produced it. USA Today reported Hairston was issued a speeding ticket in 2012 while driving a car rented by someone with the same address as “Fats” Thomas.
Apparently, car rental agencies are so hard up for business they’re now offering complimentary Mary Jane and munitions with each vehicle.
“Many of our customers are into guns and ganja, so we just leave them on the seat now like soap in a hotel,” said Larry Manetti of Hurtz Rental Cars. “All of our cars are equipped with four trap doors that make disposing of incriminating evidence a snap. Hurtz, nor its parent company, are responsible for any customers who are too stoned to tell the difference between a trap door and a policeman’s shirt pocket.”
According to NorthCarolina.Scout.com, the June 5 incident report stated 41 grams of marijuana and a loaded 9mm handgun were found in or beside the vehicle Hairston was driving. Hairston and his two passengers were charged with misdemeanor possession of marijuana. Hairston later completed a drug assessment and the possession charge against him was dropped.
Now to be fair, haven’t most people found ourselves in a rented car with a bag of pot and a loaded gun? As for a driver’s license, I haven’t bothered getting one of those things since I was 16. What am I, a nerd?
Maybe this was all a big misunderstanding. Maybe Hairston volunteered for the Meals on Wheels program and he thought the bag of weed was paprika. He probably thought “Fats” was the name of the chef cooking all the food, and the 9mm was mistaken for a flare gun from the Yukon’s safety kit.
Boy, am I glad we cleared that up. Bring on Duke!
Wait a minute; there’s more.
According to the News & Observer and SportingNews.com, “Fats” Thomas said he doesn’t know Hairston, while Hairston said he knows Thomas. Hairston also allegedly said he didn’t smoke marijuana to get high, but occasionally would take a hit or two.
I’m a firm believer in deniability, so I have no problem with Thomas distancing himself from the situation. There is no “we” in “case dismissed.”
What’s worrisome is Hairston’s alleged statement about not smoking marijuana to get high. Unless glaucoma runs in his family and he’s trying to get way out ahead of it, what other reason is there for smoking marijuana? Does the guy who drinks a six-pack of beer per day do so in order to tighten up his physique? That’s like saying I mow my lawn every week just to keep the blade on the mower from getting too sharp.
When I was 10-years-old, I knew not to get in a car that contained weed and a loaded pistol. Hairston is an adult who has completed a few years of college at a prestigious school, but apparently, his orientation packet was missing the “Pros/Cons of Driving A Rented Car Containing Weed and Guns While Unlicensed” handbook that most college freshman in the UNC system receive when they first set foot on campus.
It was a mere clerical error.
Never mind what kind of message this sends to any impressionable children that might look up to Hairston. If this whole fiasco is an example of his decision-making skills, we in Tar Heel Nation could be in for a long season. If we’ve got a guy wide open under the hoop, will Hairston pass the ball or run into the parking lot and look for a rental car with weed and a gun in the glove compartment? Is Roy going to have to run gun/weed avoidance drills during practice this year?
Right now, deep in the bowels of Cameron Indoor Stadium, that legendary coach with the record for most wins and gallons of Grecian Formula applied to one head is plotting. He’s meeting with student leaders to devise a way for those face-painting dunderpates who refer to themselves as the Cameron Crazees to exploit Hairston’s troubles.
I’m sure some of them will be wearing jail-door glasses or hanging plastic bags of oregano from their ears during the game, and as Tar Heel fans, we’ll have to sit there and take it … don’t whine, just take it.
Stay strong, Roy.
Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase books, music and clean urine at jondawson.com.