After weeks of stocking up on notebooks, pens, pencils and economy 2-gallon jugs of Ritalin, parents are sending their kids back to school.
Academically speaking, until I collided head on with advanced algebra II in high school, it was a pretty easy-going affair for me. I won the spelling bee in second grade (the word was “gurgle”) and my parents took me to Pizza Hut to celebrate. Maybe that’s why I now crave pepperoni every time I successfully spell a difficult word.
In the third grade, I played Prince Charming in a production of “Cinderella,” and even though they slapped more make-up on me than the girl playing the title role, it led to a recurring role on the TV show “Different Strokes” as The Gooch.
However, due to a misunderstanding with Conrad Bain over the rightful ownership of a blueberry muffin from the catering table, I got into a scuffle with Gary Coleman and was released from my contract.
Other than a brief stint as the third Darryl on Newhart, my acting career was over.
While the grades weren’t ever an issue at school, fitting in socially was. Joseph Merrick reportedly had an easier time blending in with his contemporaries than I did. I managed to forge friendships with a few people who themselves couldn’t fit into a clique if they’d bathed in lard. After a time, a good number of my fellow square pegs eventually became professional drinkers, thus guaranteeing membership in the cool club.
When I was about 10, my grandma told me if she heard tell of me drinking a beer, she’d pinch my head off. I wasn’t really sold on the whole threat of decapitation, but the woman knew how to make a point.
My 8-year-old daughter doesn’t seem to have any trouble making friends at school; she already has a larger network of amigos than I have as an adult. This summer, whenever I tried to plan something special to do with her, inevitably a bigger name would come through with an invitation to something allegedly cooler than hanging out with dear old dad.
She’ll need a publicist by the time she’s in middle school.
While we’re on the subject of 8-year-old’s and their parties, do you know these little vagrants come home with gift bags? These bags aren’t just filled with Tootsie Rolls and a scoop of candy corn left over from the Ford administration. The bags are filled with toys, make-up, jewelry, watches and shares of Google. If for some reason I have a dizzy spell and allow a group of these little people into my house, they might end up with a single nab and a cup of water.
Maybe.
Locally, the first day of school was Monday. My 8-year-old wore a pair of pants she made herself, a shirt that could be seen from the Outer Banks and a pink flowery thing in her hair. Other than Free Press Editor Bryan Hanks, I’ve never known another person who could pull off pink with such panache.
When The Wife picked Tax Deduction No. 1 up from school, the kid said she felt bad. Turns out she had a virus and had to miss school on Tuesday. By Wednesday, she was back in fighting shape with an outfit from the Richard Simmons collection. On the way home from taking her to school, The Wife called to say a piece of debris broke loose from a strap on a truck and shredded a tire on her car.
Luckily, the man driving the truck turned around and called a service to bring us a new tire. A little bit of mud got on the hood and he offered to have the car detailed, which I’m not going to let him do. The fact that he was kind enough to buy us a new tire on the spot is enough for me.
I’d like to give his business a free plug, but since I can’t decide if he’d want it or not, just give me a call if you need some paving done. He does good work and as Hanks says, “He’s one of the good guys”.
The first day of school brought illness, while the second day brought minor vehicular damage. At this point I’m fully prepared to find a 747 lodged in the carport when I get home on Day 3. Oh, and TD No. 2 starts preschool in a few weeks, so I may be hiding under the porch until that whole deal is up and running.
Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase music, books and the answers to some 1987 high school biology tests at jondawson.com.