The artist formerly known as Hannah Montana is coming to Kinston, Deep Run and La Grange on her new promotional tour.
Miley Cyrus shocked millions of people last month with her provocative squat-thrust dance moves at the MTV Video Music Awards. Since the show aired, a new Miley Cyrus album titled “Bangerz” has been made available for pre-order. The video for the album’s first single, “Wrecking Ball,” features Cyrus sitting nude on a wrecking ball, along with close-ups of her licking a sledgehammer.
Scenes of Cyrus repeatedly throwing a football through a tire were deemed inappropriate and removed just hours before the video was released on the Internet. The unedited version of the video (available only in Europe and parts of Utah) includes tributes to the libertine lives led by Marquis de Sade, Madonna and Walter Cronkite.
“Miley wanted to visit cities that never get the big tours,” said Claire Rashad of Newkoce Promotions. “La Grange, Deep Run and Kinston are full of hard-working people, which means there are plenty of hardware stores around. Miley plans to hold sledgehammer signings/lickings at every hardware and adult novelty store in the tri-county area.”
Rashad went on to say sledgehammer sterilization modules would be provided at each tour stop.
“The sledgehammers Miley licked in the video for her song developed rust spots within hours of filming,” Rashad said.
While many teens and adult perverts are excited Miley Cyrus is coming to Lenoir County to re-enact her sledgehammer routine, other people best described as “sane” are not thrilled. Dr. William H. Cosby IV, 76, of Kinston is one of the highly unimpressed.
“This girl played Hannah Montana on the Disney Channel for five years,” Cosby said. “Millions of little girls looked up to that character who was a normal kid during the day but a pop star at night. Now, she’s backing her rear-end up to men on stage, licking sledgehammers and sticking her tongue out like a Doberman with a glandular disorder. And what in the world is going on with her haircut? It looks like Dolph Lundgren was in the middle of a sex change and ran out of money.”
“If a farmer had a cow acting like that he’d put it out of its misery.”
Billy Ray Cyrus — father of Miley — has been largely silent on the recent lewd and lascivious actions of his daughter. A few days ago, Cyrus broke his silence in an interview with Entertainment Weekly.
“It wouldn’t have mattered if Miley would have worn jeans and a flannel shirt, a tux or a nun’s habit — her performance vocally on the tune reflects her roots and sheer God-given talent,” Billy Ray said.
Late Monday, God responded to Billy Ray Cyrus’s assertion that his daughters’ talents were “God-given.”
“Her voice, yes, can be attributed to me,” The Almighty said. “The public displays of skankiness, however, did not come from this office. Also ... that haircut? Definitely not My work.”
MTV executives said the 2013 VMA show brought in the network’s highest ratings in years, although they realize they’ll have to up the ante to meet viewer’s expectations.
“Dora the Explorer will be 18 in a few years,” said MTV President Steven K. Freedman. “Our plan is to have her conceive live on stage one year and then give her a reality show called ‘Inanimate and Pregnant’. We feel this is the type of programming the offspring of the children we’ve zombie-fied over the last few decades will want to see.”
The 2013 Miley Cyrus Tour is being sponsored by Wilton Sledge Hammers, Trojan Sledgehammer Prophylactics and the Hair Club for Women.
Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Jon can be contacted at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Music, books and officially licensed Miley Cyrus tetanus shots can be purchased at jondawson.com.