If you’re a moron, idiot, dumbbell, dullard, imbecile, dunce, halfwit or addle pate, this could be the most important story someone will read to you all year.
According to a recent study by the Le Pew Research Center, 50 percent of all Americans encounter morons on a daily basis. Of that 50 percent, nearly 67 percent are, in fact, morons themselves.
“That’s one of the tragedies of the moronic condition,” said Mel Blanc of the Le Pew Institute. “When someone has a full-on case of moronossis, they believe everyone else is stupid. It would be the equivalent of a penguin chastising his girlfriend for wearing the same outfit every time they go out for seafood.”
How do you determine if you or a loved one is in fact a moron? According to the Le Pew study, adults who chew with their mouths open or manage to sound like a gravel truck even if eating marshmallows are at the top of the list.
“Believe it or not, open-mouth chewing is still a problem in the 21st century,” said Chuck Jones of the Le Pew Research Center. “At one time the scientific community believed it would become more difficult for the open-mouthed chewers to mate and reproduce. These people have not only fought off extinction, judging by the eating habits observed in most restaurants, but they’re also making a comeback.”
The smacking sounds emanating from your larger mall food courts have been blamed for causing migrating geese to mistakenly fly further north for the winter.
“Our theory is the geese would rather freeze to death than have to listen to people yammer about ‘America’s Got Talent’ while simultaneously chomping on an unholy mixture of pizza, soda and saliva,” Jones said. “It’s despicable.”
The study also concluded people who type with the force of a steam hammer are probably suffering from a full-blown case of moronatosis.
“For some reason, millions of Americans feel the need to pound on their computers as if the keyboards owe them money,” Blanc said. “Based on our findings, many morons believe hitting the keys harder will make the words appear onscreen faster and emails travel faster. In fact, pounding on the keys with such force only annoys coworkers and dramatically shortens the life of the moron’s computer. When the ‘Enter’ key on the moron’s computer ceases to function, the moron will blame the foreign computer assembler instead of himself.”
On the bright side, morons have done their part to prop up our sagging economy.
“The success of home delivery/streaming movie services owes a lot to the moronic film goer,” Jones said. “Between people who can’t shut up during the movie and parents who bring their kids to a horror film and get offended when the disembowelment scene makes little Billy barf like a Crayola sprinkler, it’s no wonder Netflix became a success.”
While identifying the behavior is no longer a problem for the scientific community, a cure may be problematic to come by.
“If we loosened some restrictions, the moron tide would probably subside in a few generations,” Blanc said. “The world has been moron-proofed to the point that people who would have just a century ago overdosed on chalk now simply bounce off the bubble-wrapped world we’ve created on their way to a high-paying job.”
Blanc is quick to point out that many people are routinely misdiagnosed as morons.
“That guy who leaves his car stereo blaring while he walks into a gas station — he’s not a moron,” Blanc said. “He’s a jerk and most likely an impotent jerk at that. Parents who beg their children to behave instead of disciplining them — those folks are spineless.
“Oh, and the people who walk at normal speed on the sidewalk and then slow down to the pace of a snail with a gait problem when crossing the street? They’re 100 percent a******s; they Wish they were morons."
Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase books, music and exercise videos at jondawson.com.