Double amputee and Olympic sprinter Oscar Pistorius can now add murder suspect to his resume.
On Feb. 13, Pistorius shot and killed his girlfriend at his South African home, alleging he mistook her for an intruder. Pistorius was subsequently charged with murder.
According to excerpts of an affidavit published by the Associated Press, Pistorius told the court, “I fail to understand how I could be charged with murder, let alone premeditated murder, as I had no intention to kill my girlfriend; I deny the aforesaid allegation in the strongest terms.”
Pistorius claims he shot the would-be intruder through a closed door because he believed his girlfriend was still in bed. While investigators, a good portion of the public and two out of three kindergardeners believe these claims to be dubious at best, one expert on the subject has spoken out in support of the Olympic star.
“It really sounds like the local police have it in for Pistorius,” said O.J. Simpson via telephone from the Lovelock Correctional Center in Nevada. “Just because he admitted to knowing she was in the house before he pulled the trigger doesn’t mean he’s guilty. If there’s no sign of intent, you must acquit.”
Simpson — currently serving a 33-year prison sentence for stealing his own sports memorabilia at gunpoint — doesn’t believe the Pistorius episode will eclipse the lunacy of his own murder trial. When asked how difficult it’s been adjusting to prison life, Simpson unveiled the smile that launched a million Hertz rental cars and charmed Los Angeles domestic abuse investigators for years.
“I just look at it as another chapter in the book of my life,” Simpson said. “The first 400 times the cafeteria guy looked at me during breakfast and asked ‘Does the Juice want any juice?’ was tough. Thankfully for all of us, the knives in here are plastic.”
After Simpson was acquitted of all murder charges in 1995, he spent much of the following decade searching the golf courses of Florida for the person or person(s) responsible for the death of his wife and her friend.
“I searched those golf courses high and low but couldn’t find any tangible evidence related to the case,” Simpson said while a fellow inmate slipped him a pack of smokes and half a bag of Skittles. “I did a lot of research for my role as Det. Nordberg in the ‘Naked Gun’ movies. I dusted every ball from Bay Hill to Mangrove Bay for prints but never found a match.”
Although never formally charged, authorities labeled Simpson “a person of interest” in the 2010 death of “Naked Gun” star Leslie Nielsen. Nielsen’s official cause of death was listed as pneumonia.
“O.J. once poured a cooler of Gatorade on Leslie’s head during the wrap party for ‘Naked Gun 3’,” said co-star Priscilla Presley. “Leslie subsequently caught a cold that he was never able to completely shake off. I’m pretty sure O.J. bumped off Elvis too, and probably Dan Rather.”
Just as The Free Press was going to print, the Associated Press reported needles containing what may be testosterone were found in the bedroom shared by Pistorius and his girlfriend. Sounding excited, Simpson called The Free Press to recant his earlier statements.
“He’s as guilty as the day is long,” Simpson said in an almost jubilant tone. “In fact, I believe he’s the real killer I’ve been looking for all these years. He’s all hopped up on testosterone and my wife had a habit of falling for the angry, athletic type. Yep; it was him!”
He continued, “Could you give me a ride? I’ve got reservations at The Sizzler with Greta Van Susteren.”
Jon Dawson’s columns appear in The Free Press every Tuesday and Thursday. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase music, books and used kilts at jondawson.com.