The Atlantic Coast Conference basketball tournament tips off today in Greensboro, and with it comes the usual flood of armchair coaching, Twitter arguments and office betting pools.
“Our estimated activity loss per employee averages around 43 percent during ACC Tournament time,” said Rachel Brooks of the North Carolina Department of Employment. “Technological advances have made it easier for people to keep up with the games. Some people are happy with an ear piece connected to a radio, while others want the full experience.”
She continued, “Just last year a judge in Forsyth County was caught watching the game on an iPad while he was on the bench. He would’ve gotten away with it if not for the fact that he kept yelling ‘Shoot the 3!’ during a triple homicide trial.”
Memos, declarations and ordinances were issued in an attempt to curb the dip in March Madness productivity, but as with most things not connected to money or jail time, the requests fell on deaf ears.
“To some — myself included — the ACC Tournament makes the Super Bowl look like an ill-constructed rope bridge,” said Brooks’ assistant, Tim Gutterson. “Even though the inclusion of goofy teams like Boston College and Notre Dame are watering things down a bit, to some people this tournament comes in fourth behind Christmas, Easter and Dale Sr.’s birthday.”
Instead of wasting more money trying to overcome human nature, late Wednesday the N.C. House approved House Bill 2-1-2, which authorizes closing the N.C. government and related entities during the ACC tournament.
The only state workers unaffected by the 2-1-2 bill would be those identifying themselves as fans of Boston College.
“Anyone living in North Carolina who is a Boston College fan will be expected to be at work on Thursday and Friday,” said N.C. Rep. Nathaniel Crawley, L-Thurmond, author of the bill. “People in Boston don’t even pull for Boston College, and we’re not going to put up with it down here either.
“For goodness sake, their team mascot is Ted Kennedy’s third liver.”
In a poll conducted by The Free Press and The DuMont Network, 100 percent of school children were in favor of the new 2-1-2 bill. Conversely, most parents believe the bill to be a giant pain in the tuchus.
“I need that last hour of the ‘Today’ show,” said Natalie Noble, mother of five children between the ages of 5 and 11. “With all the cooking, cleaning and taxi services I provide during the day, I like to sit back with a fruit schnoinkel and enjoy a little Hoda and Kathy Lee. The other day, they were both talking about coming back from vacation with Kovach infections — which is funny but not appropriate for the kids.”
Closing down the government for two days so employees can watch 10 men throw a leather ball of air around may sound like a good idea, but it’s the state-run medical facilities that will be hit the hardest.
“Doctors and nurses want to see the games just as much as anyone else,” Crawley said. “To protect the state from any potential liability, we’ll be leaving a bottle of aspirin and a container of gauze in each patient’s room during the tournament. As for meals, well, there are well-stocked vending machines on each floor.
“Have you ever poured a pack of salted peanuts into a Pepsi? It’s a delight.”
As for jails and prisons, inmates will be expected to operate under the honor system while the guards are off enjoying the basketball games.
“It’s time for us to find out if our prison rehabilitation programs are really working,” said Crawley, who lives four miles from a penitentiary. “I’ll be taking my family out of the country for a few days, but y’all let me know how it works out.”
Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase music, books and previously owned Q-Tips at jondawson.com.