The American Auto Club has released its annual “Worst Cities to Drive In” report — and Kinston made the top five.
“We take every city in the nation and divide them into regions, and Kinston came in just behind Atlanta and Charlotte,” AAC president Roger L. Darvacet said. “Our formula is based on road conditions, the layout of the city and — most importantly — the driving demeanor of the community as a whole.”
When it comes to road conditions, Darvacet said most areas are feeling the effects of budget cuts.
“Most of the cities we studied are broke or, at the least, not signing their name on outgoing checks to buy a little time,” Darvacet says. “One of our surveyors lost a Honda Accord to a pothole on Herritage Street. The driver was able to climb out, but the insurance company said it would be cheaper to replace the vehicle instead of bringing in Halliburton to lift the car out of the hole.”
While the report suggests the local level of street/road disrepair in the K is on a par with other southern cities of the same size, it also praises the layout of Kinston.
“Many members of our team reported being able to leave one Bojangles’, make only one turn and end up at another Bojangles’ in under 40 seconds,” Darvacet said. “Also, the members of our team who were robbed or assaulted during their Kinston assignment found the hospital and police department easy to find with ample parking at each.”
The AAC data suggests Kinston’s drivers are what set the city apart.
“Our team observed several dozen cases of people diddling with cell phones at stop lights,” Darvacet said. “This is probably the reason Kinston has more reported cases of sprained middle fingers per capita than any city outside of Salt Lake or Detroit. We observed one elderly lady — riddled with arthritis — who had taped a picture of an elongated middle finger and placed it on the back of a paper funeral home fan.
“She raised that thing to more drivers than a hooker working the NASCAR circuit.”
The report also describes legions of small cars with intensely loud mufflers being a particular problem.
“We found many drivers in the area favored small cars that were only large enough to hold the driver, a cheap static-laden stereo and a muffler that emitted the noise of a thousand mosquitoes mating,” Darvacet said. “The drivers of these cars like to drive erratically and rev their vehicle’s little sewing machine engines while stopped at red lights.
“This means they either want to race the 69-year-old grandmother in the minivan next to them, or they want to be sure everybody notices their vehicle’s Rorschach pink/green/orange paint pattern.”
One phenomenon that seems to be specific to Kinston is the dreaded “two-car drag.”
“A two-car drag occurs when two vehicles each drive 47 mph — side-by-side — in a 55 mph zone, thus blocking anyone trying to drive like a normal person,” Darvacet said. “This was observed multiple times on U.S. 70 and N.C. 11 — usually at 7:50 a.m., when people were trying to get to work.”
He continued, “We’ve found the majority of these people to be mentally unstable or part of the aggra-fetish community, which is a group of people who can only achieve physical stimulation if they’ve somehow done something to aggravate everyone around them. David Lee Roth and Kanye West are the group’s charter members; Lady Gaga is in charge of refreshments.”
Although a vehicle’s decor was not part of the formula used in the AAC’s calculations, Darvacet’s team mentioned several items in the report’s footnote section.
“You could glean a person’s life story by reading the stickers on the back of their vehicle,” Darvacet said. “Many people spent money on stickers to make sure the whole world knew where they stood on subjects such as drug legalization, politics, what not to do if the vehicle was a-rockin’, gun control, sports, ladies sandals and — most importantly — which brand of truck young boys should relieve themselves on in public.”
Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase books, music and Socrates mud flaps at jondawson.com.