Jasper Collins has a can problem.
“I stocked up on canned goods late last week when it sounded like Noah and all of his kin were about to roll through town,” Collins, 56, said on Monday. “According to all the Dopplers and Vipers the local TV weather people like to play with so much, we were about to be thrown back to the days before fire.”
Collins — an unemployed musician — resides in Deep Run with his wife of 30 years, Jackie. His last paying gig as a musician came when he was tapped to play keytar on the 1988 DeBarge tour.
(Sidenote: A keytar is a keyboard that is worn around the neck in the same manner as a guitar. Keytars were introduced in the early 1980s, became popular by the mid-1980s and were a horrible, horrible memory by the late 1980s.)
“That last DeBarge tour was good fun,” Collins said as he propped his feet up on a footstool made out of canned beans. “We did a guest spot on the ‘Punky Brewster’ show that year. That older guy who played Punky’s foster dad really enjoyed his champagne and reefer.”
Since Collins has been between jobs for going on 25 years, he spends a lot of time watching television.
“Last week, all the weathermen swore up and down that Andrea storm was going to do us in,” Collins said. “Then they couldn’t figure out what to call it; one day it was Hurricane Andrea, the next it was Tropical Fruit Punch Andrea. It beat all I’ve ever seen.”
With plenty of time on his hands, Jasper Collins raided his wife’s coupon collection and decided it was time to stock up on rations.
“I didn’t go crazy like most people do when a storm is coming,” Collins said. “I stuck to the basics: bread, milk, toilet paper and Pabst Blue Ribbon.”
According to an incident report obtained from local law enforcement, Collins apparently decided to test the freshness of the Pabst Blue Ribbon before he made it to the checkout line.
“OK, so I had four or five cans of PBR before I made it to the checkout line — I still planned on paying,” Collins said. “I was going to turn in my empties and use the money to pay for the groceries, but they made me stop drinking in the store. Now I ask you, how am I supposed to get enough empty cans to pay for the groceries if they won’t let me drink?
“The government is just ruinin’ this country.”
Later that evening, a sober Jasper Collins realized he may have over-bought.
“Those slick grocery store people moved the items on me again,” Collins said. “They put the canned beans in the spot where the beer used to be, and I ended up with four cans of beer and 500 cans of beans.”
After Andrea slipped in and out of town like a thief in the night, Collins became incensed.
“The lights never blinked off and there was no thunder or lightning to speak of,” Collins said as he softly played the melody line to “Who’s Holding Donna Now?” on his keytar. “Those TV weathermen and women played me for a chump, so that’s when I decided to sue.”
According to court documents, Collins is suing the weather teams of channels 7, 9 and 12 for $20,000 each. In his suit, Collins claims to currently be suffering from emotional and intestinal distress.
“At first he tried to eat all the beans before their expiration date,” said Collins’ wife, Jackie. “He did OK for a while, but that massive shot of beans to his system was just too much. On the bright side, I haven’t needed to refill my prescription for Claritin or trim my nose hairs in several weeks.”
Jasper said he’s drawn the proverbial line.
“I think it was Maya Angelou who once said she used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of her glass,” Collins said. “I’m tired of the ice cubes falling out of my glass, and this is one keytar player that isn’t going to take it anymore.”
Representatives from channels 7, 9 or 12 have yet to comment publicly on Collins’ allegations, although they’ve reportedly sent Collins brochures from organizations such as AA and BSA.
If he wins the lawsuit, Collins plans to plow his winnings into making a comeback album.
“It’s time for the keytar to make a comeback,” Collins says. “I’ve been playing a medley of ‘Axel F’ day and night to get back in shape.”
Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase books, music and Soleil Moon Frye 8x10 press photos at jondawson.com.