The announcement of a new soccer complex that’s to be constructed off of N.C. 11 and Old Asphalt Road has created quite a stir with local residents.
A major factor that’s adding to the confusion over the proposed complex is the rampant unfamiliarity of soccer to most local residents. According to a recent Dredge Report/Puffington Post poll, 78 percent of Lenoir County residents believe “soccer” is the French word for “lollipop.”
Soccer is know in most parts of the world as football — a fact that has started almost as many bar fights as looking at a biker’s girlfriend or playing a Depeche Mode song on the jukebox.
“In football — I mean real football — you only use your feet, hence the name,” said Ian Nigel of the American Soccer Advancement Group, British Division. “The game started sometime in the 11th century when a group of English workers discovered the skull of a Danish soldier in a field. The group of workers — which included a young Buddy Hackett — started kicking the skull to each other.
“A few years later during an appearance on the Tonight Show, Hackett and bandleader Doc Severinsen started kicking around one of Ed McMahon’s old livers, thus introducing soccer to North America.”
Hackett went on to have a successful show business career, but his greatest triumph came shortly after he stepped on a rake at his Las Vegas home in 1972. The ensuing injury inspired Hackett to invent the Hackey Sack, which made him a multi-millionaire and gave generations of stoned college students something to do between tokes.
Most of the people of Lenoir County will tell you their main priority is providing for their families. Keeping up with the latest innovations such as podcasting, digital watches and cheese-in-crust pizza is deemed by many a frivolous pursuit. Anyone familiar with the Wicker Protests of 1977 knows how resilient the people of Lenoir County can be.
“A group of people wanted to rent out a building at the Kinston Plaza Shopping Center for something called the ‘Wicker Warehouse’, but we stopped them,” said Mary Whitehouse of Kinston Citizens for Traditional Furniture. “I’m all for freedom of religion, but do you know that wickers are pagans? They congregate in groups of 13, practice witchcraft and like to sit on wicker chairs made out of corncob husks.
“Whenever you sit on their furniture, it makes an eerie, anguished sound that represents the millions of souls they’ve tricked into buying a couch made out of grass and switches.”
Whitehouse believes the addition of a soccer complex is another attempt to dismantle the traditions that once made America great.
“Idle hands are the devil’s workshop, and what activity promotes idle hands more than soccer?” Whitehouse said. “Why don’t we just get it over with and start putting slaw on our hot dogs? Ham mercy, what has happened to this county?”
While no officials would go on record as to whether or not wicker furniture would be used at the new soccer complex, details regarding its concession stands have been announced.
“In keeping with the European soccer tradition, all of our food handlers will be trained to do their jobs using only their feet,” said Malcolm Young of the Lenoir County Soccer Department. “As we speak, the entire cooking staff is learning how to cook a hamburger with their feet. I will advise anyone thinking about getting a job down here to limber up. It’s a booger having to lift that food up to the counter with your foot, especially if you tend to be a little on the gassy side.”
Not all Lenoir County residents are against the soccer complex, though.
“I don’t know what all the fuss is about,” said John Campbell, 68, of La Grange. “The revenue generated by that place will pay for it in a few years time. For the life of me, I don’t know why they don’t just pick up the ball, but those young’uns seem to enjoy it.
“If they want to run around kicking balls all day, then I say let ‘em do it.”
Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase music, books and Pele t-shirts at jondawson.com.