In a surprise move on Wednesday, the National Recording Association announced it will no longer tolerate the use of racial slurs on albums bearing its logo.
“The big one is of course the ‘N’ word,” said Duane Chapman of Mirth Row Records. “When I was a kid, I was taught the ‘N’ word was a bad word. Nowadays, little kids run around saying it as if it’s a bodily function, and if I ask them to stop saying it, I’m accused of being a racist who is against the freedom of speech.”
Chapman continued, “Have you heard Jay-Z’s new album ‘Magna Carta Holy Grail?’ The first rap on the album features more ‘N’ words than a Richard Pryor box set.”
However, the NRA ban doesn’t just apply to rap music — country music fans will be shocked to learn the “R” word is slated to be removed from recordings by artists such as George Strait, Alan Jackson and Bottleneck.
“We’re going to lose so much money when they edit ‘Get Your R*****k On’,” said Rachel Aniston of Big Truck Records. “The powers-that-be are making us change it to ‘Get Your Steinbeck On,” which probably won’t sell at lot of beer down at Gilley’s.”
According to industry insiders, the suicide rate of record company executives and Escalade salesmen tripled when news of the zero tolerance policy on racial slurs was announced.
“See, the ‘N’ word and the ‘R’ word are shortcuts many recording artists use to endear themselves to their customers,” said Chester Bangs of Billbored Magazine. “Most of the people on the charts these days couldn’t write a great song if their third beach home depended on it. Even if they could, the industry is set up for acts to be disposable. They’re supposed to come up with their annoying little song with a total of seven words in it, market a line of chewing tobacco or headphones, and then get out of the way.”
The Southern states are still the butt of many jokes based on stereotypes from decades ago.
“When someone from Boston — specifically an alcoholic, woman-drowning Kennedy — cracks wise about how backwards the South is, it angers me,” said Bobby Garris of La Grange. “But what’s worse is when a Southern singer writes songs about how great it is to be a r*****k. Why not write songs about how great it is to be from the South? Using r*****k or c*****r is just lazy songwriting. If these songs get any dumber, we’re just going to be recording drool for vocals.”
The use of the ‘N’ word in music bothers more than just a few folks, too.
“Back in 1961 when I was getting arrested for trying to order a hamburger or drink from a water fountain, the ‘N’ word was used quite often as I was being handcuffed,” said Meadgar Merrideth of Snow Hill. “Lots of people took a bat to the head or worse in order to attain equality. When I see Jay-Z using the ‘N’ word and referring to women as ‘h**s’ and ‘b*****s’ at rallies for the president, there’s nothing artistic about it. He’s pandering to people who think it’s cool to talk that way, plain and simple.
“I’m pretty sure if he spoke to Beyonce’ that way, he’d have more than 99 problems.”
In its first week of release, Jay-Z’s new album “Magna Carta Holy Grail” was projected to sell 400,000 copies. Of course, that was before the NRA ban on the illegal words.
“Anyone who bought the original version of ‘Magna Carta’ is now the proud owner of a collector’s item,” Bangs said. “The edited version of the ‘Magna Carta’ should be hitting stores within the next few days. With all of the ‘N’ words removed, the album is now only 13 minutes long.”
The following is a list of new song titles with the “N” and “R” words taken out, along with other offensive words:
“What This World Needs Is A Few More Paychecks” — Charlie Daniels Band
“Pasta in Paris” — Kanye West, Jay-Z
“High Tech V-Neck” — George Jones
“Cross-Stitch Please” — Snoop Dog
“My Long Hair Don’t Cover Up My Lavender Neck” — David Allen Coe
“A Sandwich Is A Sandwich” — NWA
“Chicken Neck Woman— Gretchen Wilson
Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase music, books and politically correct lederhosen at jondawson.com.