The latest North Carolina budget has sparked much discussion and drawer-knotting. Between tax reform, teacher tenure and Gov. Pat McCrory’s decision to make the McRib the official state sandwich, there has been no shortage of vitriol.
Since the N.C. budget comes in just under 400 pages, journalists have understandably been focusing on the big issue items that will affect the most people. Changes to the number of cardinals bird watchers can shoot per season are of little interest to most citizens, but other overlooked items may cause dissent among the rank. Ranks.
To save money on electricity, effective Sept. 12, all N.C. traffic lights will only feature yellow lights. Eliminating the red and green lights will save an estimated $1,119,187 for the state annually.
“No one really pays attention to traffic lights anymore,” said Peter Farrelly of the N.C. Department of Transportation. “If it were up to me, the yellow light and those annoying white lines on the road would be gone too.”
While taxes will reportedly be going down for corporations and some individuals, new taxes on the arts have some people up in arms.
“On page 276, paragraph 4, it outlines a plan to tax anyone caught singing/talking along to the songs ‘Wagon Wheel’ or ‘Thrift Shop’,” said Martin Landau for Citizens For Responsible Government. “It’s bad enough these songs get more airtime than a flock of migrating geese, but when every Joe and Jane 24-Pack starts singing them at the top of their lungs at yellow lights, things are getting out of hand. Since our organization opposes new taxes of any kind, we fully support this new source of revenue.”
“A ‘source of revenue’ and a tax are two different things, you know.”
For the 2013-14 school year, the traditional five-day week is out the window.
“Instead of 8 a.m. to 3 p.m., Monday through Friday, we’re switching to 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays,” said N.C. Superintendent July Atkinson. “This will allow the state to spend less money on school lunches, utilities and malt liquor for the teachers' lounges.”
For the lunches the state is still responsible for, all school buses will be equipped with a special meat compartment next to the engine block.
“Those engines get pretty hot in the morning, so we’re going to use that heat to prepare some warm bologna sandwiches for the kids,” Atkinson said. “We’ll hand the kids two pieces of bread when they get off the bus; they can have all the meat they want until it runs out.”
N.C. Speaker of the House Thom Tillis will be hosting several fundraisers throughout the year that will hopefully bridge gaps left in the state budget.
“Most people don’t know this, but Rep. Tillis toured with his cousin Mel Tillis until he figured out there was more money in politics,” said the speaker’s publicist Mike Torello. “Thom and Mel co-wrote the country hits ‘Life Turned Her That Way’, ‘Commercial Affection’, ‘Shake The Splenda Tree’, ‘Your Body Is An Outlaw’, and ‘Whoomp (There It Is)’.”
Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in the Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase music, books and 30-weight mustard at jondawson.com.