Originally published Nov. 25, 2010:
Editor’s Note: Jon Dawson is currently studying for the first colonoscopy of his life. Although this column was originally published on Nov. 25, 2010, he is planning to participate in this year’s Kinston Christmas Parade on Dec. 14, along with the Pink Hill Christmas Parade on Sunday.
Every year, millions of trees and ink squirrels are innocently slaughtered to provide the raw materials for newspapers that contain these “What I’m Thankful For”-type Thanksgiving columns. Other than the month and year printed at the top of the page, it’s the same thing year after year.
Always striving to provide something fresh in this space, I’ve decided to list some non-traditional things that we should all be thankful for. Sure, it would be easy for me to give thanks for a wife with low standards when it comes to men or a soda machine that’ll take paper clips in lieu of quarters, but that’s the kind of stuff Maureen Dowd would do — so I’m going a different way.
For one thing, I’m grateful that my friend Jon Hughes purchased East Coast Music and Video in Greenville. If it were not for him, the only place to buy music between the beach and Raleigh would be Walmart or Target, and their music choices are about as varied as the menu at a nab machine.
Also, being a good Kinston boy, Hughes’ tolerance for BS is just about as close to zero as it gets. Just a few weeks ago, a woman came into his store with what was purported to be a child. As the mom browsed the store, the alleged child ran around the store like a lemur on PCP. After a few minutes of this nonsense, Hughes asked the woman to leave his store.
“If I leave, you’ll never get my business again,” said the mother.
Like a Zen monk who’d been thinking of a reply for years, Hughes retort made me proud to know him: “Ma’am, my sanity is worth more to me than your business, so please leave the store.”
Another thing I’m grateful for is being asked to ride in The Free Press car for the 2010 Kinston Christmas Parade. Last year, I was relegated to the trunk, but this year, I’ll be stylin’ and profilin’ with Paulette Burroughs. They’ve told us we cannot throw candy to the crowd, so we’ll be throwing cigarettes and Zippo lighters.
Don’t worry; the lighters will have a “Stay in School” logo printed on them.
Other miscellaneous things I’m grateful for: Portable dental floss; Anson Williams; the car-wash scene in “Cool Hand Luke;” Pete Townshend kicking Abbie Hoffman off the stage at Woodstock; the undeniable eventuality of Kanye West’s face plate popping off to reveal a crude series of wires, batteries and used chewing gum; the knowledge that future generations will know that Taylor Swift’s music was almost as boring as that of Taylor Dayne, thus paling in comparison with Dana Dane and Big Daddy Kane; and of course, let’s not forget the car wash scene in “Cool Hand Luke.”
If you think the things I’m thankful for are frivolous, don’t be so quick to judge. Word around the campfire is that former Gov. Mike Easley is grateful for the fact that if you have enough money and connections, you can create a high-paying job for your wife, get discounted property on the coast, break campaign rules and only receive a $1,000 fine as a result of an investigation that cost the gross national product of Malaysia.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!
Jon Dawson’s column appears every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase Jon’s book “Making Gravy in Public” at Amazon.com or jondawson.com.