Are you stressed out? Has the shopping and the scheduling and the lack of bail money got you in a tither? Well snap out of it.
Christmas is supposed to be a celebration of the birth of Jesus, not a pressure cooker of emotional tumult brought on by familial, financial or social obligations. But, being humans, we as a group can screw anything up if you give us enough time. Just look at what happened to “The Tonight Show.”
I've compiled a list that might help some of you enjoy the holiday season a little bit more.
1. Thou Shall Not Cause A Family Rift Over A Scheduling Issue:
According to a figure I just pulled out of thin air, 13 million gallons of aspirin are consumed in the United States every year between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Most of these aches of the head and other regions south are caused by someone getting their drawers in a knot over scheduling.
Say you're married with a spouse and two children. Your parents are expecting to see you and the kiddies on Christmas day, while your spouse's parents want to see everyone as well - and what about those lucky enough to have great-grandparents in the mix? Throw in the fact that you want to bask in the yuletide glow of your own home a bit as well, and what you have is a powder keg just waiting to 'splode. This problem can be solved if the adults cooperate, but let's be honest - that's going to be trickier than getting Kanye West's ego vs. talent ratio to balance at the end of the month.
Your options in this scenario are few. You can get both sides of the family together at once, which in theory is a nice idea but in practice a bit risky. Sleeper cells of anger, resentment and jealously have a way of being activated when large groups of people are confined to small rooms for prolonged periods of time.
Aunt Myrna will remember how mad she got when she was seated at the kids table at your wedding reception. Your brother's 16-year-old daughter who wears enough eye shadow to qualify as an endangered species starts shrieking at him for not allowing her to spend Christmas with her 23-year-old hackey sack instructor boyfriend. The thrice-divorced uncle from out of state that you haven't seen since you were teething will refuse to believe there is no liquor in the house and demand to know why. We won't even go into what could happen if two people accidentally bring the same type of pie.
What you want to do in this scenario is threaten everyone with the option of taking the kids to Reno for the entire week of Christmas. The thought of not seeing those cherubic little piranhas rip into their presents and inhale those homemade desserts will instantly turn the crankiest family members into graduates of the Henry Kissinger School of Cooperation.
2. Thou Shalt Not Complain About Thine Christmas Presents:
While the economy is still out there trying to find itself, everybody needs to chill out when it comes to presents.
Your priority here is to make every effort to get something together for your kids, and if possible help someone you know who may be struggling to do the same. If your spouse is the type to throw a fit if he or she doesn't have something expensive under the tree, you've probably made a huge error that would take thousands of dollars in lawyer's fees to unravel.
If you find yourself in this predicament I hear they're doing great things with cubic zirconium these days. For a little added insurance, go ahead and slip a jewelry appraiser a $20 bill and have the certificate of authenticity in hand when the present is opened. The day after Christmas immediately begin research on how to fake your own death, because if you get caught that's a skill you'll want in your utility belt.
Some families draw names, which is a good idea as long as there are no knuckleheads in the mix. You're libel to get steamed if you buy someone a Cuisinart and you end up receiving a VHS copy of the second season of “Punky Brewster.” Don't throw a fit - just grit your teeth and smile. In time the bad gifter will send you a graduation notice for their first born, which means “this kid made it through high school, so send him a gift.”
At this point you'll need to crawl up in the attic and remove the “Punky Brewster” tapes from the old pickled egg bucket you've been storing them in for the past seven years. Re-wrap the tapes and send them along as a present for the new graduate. Attach a note that says “Your parents gave us our very own copy of ‘Punky Brewster’ on VHS back in 2013, and we enjoyed it so much we decided you should have a copy of your own. We hear you can still buy VCRs in Canada and parts of South Carolina. Congratulations!"”
3. Don't let the "X-mas" thing get you too worked up:
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the term “X” comes from the Greek “Chi” which is the first letter of the Greek word for “Christ.” In truth, “Xmas” still means “Christmas,” although some militant atheists do use it as a way to either secularize the holiday or just annoy Christians. If you happen to work with someone like this, throw out all of their business cards and have new ones printed up with an “X” inserted over the first syllable of their name.
Can you imagine how great it'll be when they realize they've been handing out business cards that read “Xreg Xoffman, Sales Manager”?
Jon Dawson's columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday.